I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
