Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
