Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
