She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
