She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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