Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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