Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
