I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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