And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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