At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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