Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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