your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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