I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
