Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
