My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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