First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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