i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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