I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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