worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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