Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
