you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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