my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
that is very illegal...i love you.
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