I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
