I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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