you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
