and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
