Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
