So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
