So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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