I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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