oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
