I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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