My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
