Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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