I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
