True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
