Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
