i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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