I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
