Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
