I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
