Your favorite bartender is back from prision
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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