Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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