I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
