you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
