I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
