I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You ate ashes out of my bong
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
