well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I looked at my own cervix.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
