Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Randomize
