totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
