If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
